Colleen is a dear friend of mine! She is a children and women’s activist!:)
She wrote for a contest called, “Women Speak for Themselves.”
Colleen writes, “I Never Wanted to Be a Mother
I never wanted to be a wife or a mother. I grew up in a home where marriage seemed more like a prison than a sacrament. My parents had one mode of communication: arguing. I came to view motherhood through the same lens of disillusionment. By the time I was twenty-something, I had convinced myself that I was devoid of a maternal instinct and that I would never get married or have a family.
In my 30s, I met my husband. I was a raging alcoholic, radical feminist who mistakenly thought she was free from the oppressive trappings of this world. He prayed and fasted for forty days for my hardened heart to heal. We have been married now for sixteen years and have four beautiful children. Elizabeth Stone wrote this about being a mother, “…it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body”.
Our babies make us laugh
When we were pregnant with our first child, Trinity, I remember standing in front of the closet in her nursery looking at all of the baby clothes neatly hung there. I held the clothes in my hands and imagined what she would look like in them. I recall laughing out loud as I gazed upon them because I was awash in a sea of pink. I thought, “what is she doesn’t even like pink?” Don’t you know that Trinity, now 13 years old, to this day does not like the color pink?!
While changing Trinity’s diapers as a newborn, I looked into her eyes, she had a very intense look. I felt like she could read my soul. I talked a lot out loud to her and I said this, “you know that I have no idea what I’m doing don’t you? I can see it in your eyes.” Thankfully by our fourth child, I got over that insecurity.
Our babies make us selfless
I say our babies make us selfless, but the truth is that is an inaccurate statement. We had it in us all along, to be selfless. But our children are sometimes the first opportunity we have in life to admit that we would willingly die for someone else. That feeling, of literally offering your life up so that someone else could live, surfaces more often than not in motherhood. And it is a reminder of our humanity, that we can love to such selfless depths.
Most people have heard of motherhood used as a noun. But motherhood is also an adjective and it means “having or relating to an inherent worthiness, justness, or goodness that is obvious or unarguable”. Through motherhood, we nurture, we love, we take care, and watch the love grow from inside to outside of ourselves and into the world. Motherhood is already good and worthy and just. We just have to be open to enter into it. Motherhood can take us to unimaginable heights of the human experience.”